woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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