I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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