Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
