someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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