In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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