I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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