I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
