i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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