Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
