When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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