My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
