sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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