The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
