fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
