pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize