I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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