Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
