I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
