Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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