I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
