Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
