he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
