My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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