I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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