ya dads aren't the best wingmen
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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