Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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