maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
