I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
