I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
