I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
