Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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