Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
