If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
