I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
