Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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