We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
