Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
bring money and cleavage
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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