Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
