after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
