I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
