the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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