you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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