just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
