did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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