Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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