I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
