I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
