and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
