Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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