I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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