...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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