they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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