I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Everyone says I win the strip club
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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